Part 1. Alas...

Alas, the information contained, hereafter, is for somewhat superficial purposes. My homemade teeth are of no use in the consumption of food. It is the third part in a series of do-it-yourself surgical procedures of a somewhat dubious nature. The first two: How to make your own Breast Implants and How to make your own Colon are reprinted here.

How to make your own Breast Implants
Get two balloons, inflate them to the desired size,and stick 'em up your shirt.

How to make your own Colon
Get a large sausage, hollow it out and shove it up your ass!

(Articles reprinted courtesy of author, hope they help.)

The following information may be of great help especially if you do not want to win a Shane McGowan look alike contest.

Part 2. Why make teeth?

Yes, my friends, I make my own teeth, or more precisely I cap my own teeth. If my teeth rot and fall out completely, then I will make my own teeth! Dentists are one of the most over-priced medical services. The second to last time I went (10 years ago), they said I needed a root canal. Before dealing with that, however, they cleaned my teeth in 4 sittings, this cost $2000! I never did get the root canal. Here's some advice. If you know your back teeth are done for, and you start to detect a foul taste in your mouth and the odd pain, load up on painkillers and go on a strict diet of pizza crust, Kentucky Fried chicken and nuts. Chew using the rotting tooth (or teeth) and pretty soon little chunks will just pop out or be swallowed with the nuts! The last time I went to the dentist, one of my broken front teeth or what's left of it, was infected. I went to NYU dental to get it seen to and asked about dental implants. They described a procedure involving grinding down a perfectly good tooth on one side and inserting a rod across because the sight would be too tender (to put in dental implants) for awhile. The procedure would be performed by their most experienced students and cost $800! This information, an X-ray and some antibiotics: $130. They were very impressed by my homemade caps and agreed I may as well just stick with them. That was about 4 years ago. Enough material to make caps for a year costs $1.50, also required varnish and denture adhesive. When I watch T.V., (about 12 hours a day) I, totally, block out the ads. I must've seen the Fixodent commercial 100s of times and never noticed it. My teeth would just fall out of my mouth in mid-sentence or mid-song. It was not uncommon to see the crowd at the front of Lubricated Goat shows groping around on the floor looking for them, girls clawing each other to shreds over them, the way other bands fans fight for a drumstick or guitar pick. Then one day, purely by chance, I saw the Fixodent ad!

Part 3. Tragedy.

When I was eight years old, I got hit by a car .I was crossing a main road with my bicycle on the way back from (Aussie rules) football practice. The driver was doing a U-turn at a break in the nature strip and didn't see me. He may have been joining the "50 mile an hour club." At the time, he did say he was "distracted" by his girlfriend. I slid along the nature strip on my face for about 50 feet. I broke a blood vessel in my knee, got gravel rash all over my face and my two front teeth broken by rocks. I looked up at a circle of staring faces and said, "I'm supposed to be home for dinner..." or something like that. Twenty-five years later, I've got nice porcelain caps with platinum inside that I've had since they replaced the plastic ones I wore until my teeth were full grown. It's 5 am and I've gone over to 3rd and Avenue C on the Lower East Side to buy some more coke. I give a guy $20 and he gives me a small, pink plastic bag, the kind I've bought before but it's, immediately, obvious the stuff is beat. The guy who sold it to me is pretty tough looking and solidly built but I was really depressed, reckless and suicidal at the time. I demand my money back and when he refuses, I walk along side him bashing into him with my elbow over and over, demanding my money back. We get to a project a couple of blocks away and I shove my way in into the corridor with him. His girlfriend yells down,"What's going on?" And he yells back,"Get the gun!" We're wrestling, and needless to say, he's winning. He slams my face into the wall or the floor, I can't remember which, and that's how my beautiful caps broke. One was, basically, intact except the front was scraped off and a streak of platinum showed through.The other one still had porcelain at the back, but the whole front was gone exposing the broken tooth I hadn't seen since I was eight. Over the next couple of years, during which I never once had enough money to go to the dentist, it eroded until I couldn't stand to look at it anymore. Something had to be done!

Part 4. Brainstorm.

I've never had a problem with my bottom teeth, not even a filling, they're all present and accounted for. One of the front ones sticks up a bit, that's the one I use to play guitar with to the delight of my band mates. I only do that sarcastically, I am not a wanker! Most of the rear top teeth have rotted and fallen out in stages, usually while eating pizza crust or fried chicken, you know how that goes. Some models actually get these teeth removed to look more pouty and sultry not to mention their ribs! I may be sultry-looking but I'm no wanker and I have all my own ribs! Anyway, too many Xmases had gone by with prayers/songs unanswered and something had to be done. As I was brushing my perfect bottom... ptttth!... pardon me, as I was brushing my perfect bottom teeth one day and a voice seemed to say, "Stu, make your own caps!"

Part 5. The Crux.

At first, I just made a cap for the more eroded of the two. The one with the platinum showing wasn't too bad and, indeed, in an era of people getting metal teeth, some people asked if I had it done on purpose! I use Sculpey to make my caps. Originally, there was Sculpey, which is white and Super Sculpey, which is a fleshy pink but is stronger, at first... I used that. Of course, you have to paint it and you can't just paint it white. You have to mix just the right shade of stain, a bit of yellow, green, brown, grey and it's almost impossible to get the right colour to match a bunch of teeth stained from years of coffee, fags and burgers. Then almost at the exact time I started making them, Sculpey Three came on the market, in a wide range of colours, including ivory, which is perfect for making teeth!

Part 6. How one makes teeth.

From a block of ivory-coloured Sculpey Three (if you are from England you may wish to add a some other colours), pinch off a chunk the size of a tooth. Roll it around booger-style, until it's the shape of a drop of water; oblong and pointy at the top. Hold the clay in one hand and a hand mirror in the other. Place the clay in your mouth, over the top of the fucked up tooth. While checking in the mirror, keep manipulating the clay until the shape is right and it looks like a tooth. You can take it out and make adjustments and put it back in until it's done. Repeat the procedure with some more clay. I, generally, make quite a few at a time, maybe as many as ten or more. Unfortunately, teeth made from Sculpey are very fragile and often break. Pop your teeth in an oven at 275 degrees for about five minutes. When you pull them out carry them in the palm of your hand. If they're so hot, you can't stand it for more than a couple of seconds at a time without switching hands, they're ready. Then you varnish them and they're done. For my own caps, because I have one tooth that's almost nothing and one with just the front gone, I make one complete cap and then just a mask for the front of the other. Then I have to Crazy Glue the mask to the cap, in order to suspend it in place, and then glue them in with Fixodent.

Part 7. Living a lie!

However, don't think your dental problems are solved quite so easily! You see, every time I eat I have to take my teeth out, consequently, I never talk at the dinner table. I dine alone like some hideous monster too ashamed to open my mouth, lest someone should discover my terrible secret! But as soon as I finish the last mouthful of food, I, surreptitiously, pop my teeth back in and viola, I am transformed into a witty raconteur, the very life of the table, able to open my mouth and roar with laughter as the bon mots fly! Yes, dear readers, I live a lie! There must be an end to this madness! If anyone who reads this knows of a more durable substance I can use to make permanent teeth, get in touch with me: stuspasm1@netzero.net... better still, send me some money so I can go to the damn dentist ....or at least buy the new LUBRICATED GOAT album, The Great Old Ones out soon on Reptilian Records. Have fun making your own teeth, kids and remember to brush and floss often, but don't go to the dentist, they're a ripoff!

Stu Spasm is lead singer/guitarist of Lubricated Goat. The current lineup also features Jack Natz, ex Cop Shoot Cop on bass, ex Manson follower, Clem Grogan on drums and Ant, on guitar. Their new album The Great Old Ones is available on Reptilian Records.